When her father felt a twinge of guilt he would come and take her. I would then have to look for her because it never failed that he would leave her somewhere within a few days of taking her. This went on for months and months. I finally got a little smarter and went to child protective services. I reported him for neglect. The court gave physical custody of her to me even though I was not a blood relative.
Once when when she was about 11 years old, her and I were driving down the road, and she said "I have to ask you something from my heart" and I told her should could ask me anything.. she said "Can I call you Mom?" I cried and told her that I could never replace her mother, but I would love her as if she were my own, and that when she grew up and had her own children I would be their grandma! She was such a scared little girl, but oh was she stubborn! She would pout to get her way and even at this age could not sleep by herself. We had our battles, she refused to do anything for herself so I taught her how to make an egg, warm up soup for herself. She was always so sad. She was only in the 4 grade and already hated school. When her mother was dying she never went to school. So we fought constantly about her going to school. We were also always afraid that her dad would come and take her. We always had a plan, a way for her to contact me if something happened.
Life went on for awhile like that, she would see her brothers and sister every now and then. My daughter "Bright light" would even babysit for her older sister every now and then.
But the worst thing ever happened. One night Bright Light and Missing Momma were babysitting for Missing Momma's sister and her boyfriend tried to molest Bright Light. It was horrible, cops, fighting with Missing Momma's sister, therapists and counseling. We did ok, but Dept of Social Services was still allowing Missing Momma to go to her sister's home. It all was brought to a head when Missing Momma's molesting boyfriend brought her home after a visit. My other daughter was so upset, my son although still young wanted to beat him up. I had to do something. It was causing so much drama in my home. Every time she went to her sister's it would bring up ugly feelings. But I could do nothing, I could not take her real family away with the little time she spent with them, but then I was also putting my other daughter's emotional health at risk.
So something had to give, I called Missing Momma's great aunt (she had no grandmothers, they all had passed away) and asked her what I should do. She suggested a couple who were good friends of hers could take her. The DSS agreed and I too now had abandoned this lost child.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Monday, February 8, 2010
Poor Little Guy
She came to visit only because I told her too. I called her I was so angry, she spends a week with him and then disappears! Does not call or anything! But I knew she was drinking, I asked her and she confirmed, only on the weekend, well what about the following week? Why do I have to tell her to call her son? How sad is that, how can you walk away and not think another thing about your children. It breaks my heart and his! He was so upset that weekend all he did was cry and fuss and he is not normally like that. It took him to the middle part of the week before he was back to his normal cheerful self.
He was crying in his sleep, is he thinking of his mother leaving him? Is he dreaming about the awful places she left him while she went out and drank? How can his little mind wrap around all of this. I know I am having a hard time, trying to repress my anger at her, being depressed that I have to take care of a 3 year old, after I have raised my own. I love him with all my heart, but this is not what I wanted. Most of all its not what he wants either, he wants his mama, but I can't give that to him!
I try to be patient with him, but I know I fail in that area too, cuz I can't handle his screaming which he learned from being around her. She is a young mom, and would just let him scream and yell at her. Well its a different story with this unci, cuz I will not tolerate that so I put him on time out when he goes there!
She came on Saturday, and he was getting tired cuz he did not get his nap, I don't even remember what started him off, but he threw a major fit, me I put him on time out and he was kicking and screaming, which is not his normal behavior. I put him in the room let him scream for awhile. I went in there and sat with him and explained that he could sit in here and scream or he could stop and go spend time with his mom. He stopped said "ok unci" and was alright. She stayed about 2 hours and off she went.
Before she left I told her that yes I was angry because she has not done one thing to try to get it together and let her know I love her, and I would do all I could to support her, but she is the one who has to get it all done. I told her if I did not care I would not saying anything at all and let her go her way. She said its just a tough time for her.
Well don't we all have tough times? But do you leave your children all over and not even try to see them. She has not seen her girls in weeks! How could she? any answers anyone?
He was crying in his sleep, is he thinking of his mother leaving him? Is he dreaming about the awful places she left him while she went out and drank? How can his little mind wrap around all of this. I know I am having a hard time, trying to repress my anger at her, being depressed that I have to take care of a 3 year old, after I have raised my own. I love him with all my heart, but this is not what I wanted. Most of all its not what he wants either, he wants his mama, but I can't give that to him!
I try to be patient with him, but I know I fail in that area too, cuz I can't handle his screaming which he learned from being around her. She is a young mom, and would just let him scream and yell at her. Well its a different story with this unci, cuz I will not tolerate that so I put him on time out when he goes there!
She came on Saturday, and he was getting tired cuz he did not get his nap, I don't even remember what started him off, but he threw a major fit, me I put him on time out and he was kicking and screaming, which is not his normal behavior. I put him in the room let him scream for awhile. I went in there and sat with him and explained that he could sit in here and scream or he could stop and go spend time with his mom. He stopped said "ok unci" and was alright. She stayed about 2 hours and off she went.
Before she left I told her that yes I was angry because she has not done one thing to try to get it together and let her know I love her, and I would do all I could to support her, but she is the one who has to get it all done. I told her if I did not care I would not saying anything at all and let her go her way. She said its just a tough time for her.
Well don't we all have tough times? But do you leave your children all over and not even try to see them. She has not seen her girls in weeks! How could she? any answers anyone?
Friday, February 5, 2010
The Past Rears Its Ugly Head
She came into my life at 10 years old, scared, lonely, dying for attention. She had lost her mother 12 months before to cancer. She had older siblings, who did not have the skill or where-with-all to take care of her. I babysat her a few times, her father was/is an alcoholic. They lived in a very small trailer on the rez and there were reports from the neighbors that she would go to their homes to get something to eat.
Her father asked me to care for her because he was going out of state to work, at first I refused, but she loved us right from the start and was my constant tail. I agreed, he gave me temporary custody of her. I enrolled her in school, which she hated. I think through her mother's illness she never really attended, her skills being low, reading was hard. She would do nothing for herself without a fight with me.
She was a junk food junkie, always only wanting to eat chips and drink pop. She had constant nightmares and even at 10 would not sleep by herself. I read somewhere that it was the caffeine that would give her nightmares, so when I put my foot down and said no pop, she was so angry. She never said a word about it, but you could see it in her face, she was angry!!
She often was angry and would pout if she felt she was slighted in any manner. She never cried except when I had to tell her that her maternal grandmother had passed away from a diabetic coma.
Skinny, unsure of herself, always needing my full attention. She had this thing for socks. They had to go to her knees and she constantly adjusted them, making sure they were straight. She could not stand it if they got stretched out. As I am remembering as a young child she never was really happy. I think she was glad to be with us, but I think she always felt as an outsider. My own youngest daughter was only 4 years older, but a young teenager, so there was a huge distance between those two.
My house was always full of other kids so there was never a quiet moment. I was busy teaching at a local school. I was single just trying to get by and raise my kids. My oldest, my son, was a handful always challenging authority, just starting experimenting with alcohol and drugs (which ends up plaguing his life). And for awhile this was how our life floated along.
Her father asked me to care for her because he was going out of state to work, at first I refused, but she loved us right from the start and was my constant tail. I agreed, he gave me temporary custody of her. I enrolled her in school, which she hated. I think through her mother's illness she never really attended, her skills being low, reading was hard. She would do nothing for herself without a fight with me.
She was a junk food junkie, always only wanting to eat chips and drink pop. She had constant nightmares and even at 10 would not sleep by herself. I read somewhere that it was the caffeine that would give her nightmares, so when I put my foot down and said no pop, she was so angry. She never said a word about it, but you could see it in her face, she was angry!!
She often was angry and would pout if she felt she was slighted in any manner. She never cried except when I had to tell her that her maternal grandmother had passed away from a diabetic coma.
Skinny, unsure of herself, always needing my full attention. She had this thing for socks. They had to go to her knees and she constantly adjusted them, making sure they were straight. She could not stand it if they got stretched out. As I am remembering as a young child she never was really happy. I think she was glad to be with us, but I think she always felt as an outsider. My own youngest daughter was only 4 years older, but a young teenager, so there was a huge distance between those two.
My house was always full of other kids so there was never a quiet moment. I was busy teaching at a local school. I was single just trying to get by and raise my kids. My oldest, my son, was a handful always challenging authority, just starting experimenting with alcohol and drugs (which ends up plaguing his life). And for awhile this was how our life floated along.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
First Posting
Hello blog world!! I started this blog because I really need: a kind ear to listen, a way to express myself, an opportunity to connect with others in my position, a way to to vent! So away we go. I am a single mom of three grown children, yes in ways they still are children, 1 boy and 2 girls and now I have found myself in the position of having to raise a small grandson. I love him so much but I am a reluctant g-ma/mother. I have not had a small child to raise in over 20 years, and people I am in pickle. Actually its a bit more than that, poor little guy has a Mom who is absent, who seems like she could not care less about her poor babies!
What is a grandmother to do? I try my best, but it is so so hard.
I don't want you to get the wrong picture I do not usually whine about my life, in fact I am so lucky, great family (for the most part) great job, no money worries, but having to raise a young child is having its toll on me.
So here I am, hoping all the great people out there will lend me an ear, kick me in the butt when I need it, and most of all share with me their wonderful insights.
What is a grandmother to do? I try my best, but it is so so hard.
I don't want you to get the wrong picture I do not usually whine about my life, in fact I am so lucky, great family (for the most part) great job, no money worries, but having to raise a young child is having its toll on me.
So here I am, hoping all the great people out there will lend me an ear, kick me in the butt when I need it, and most of all share with me their wonderful insights.
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