48 and still going!

Yesterday was my 48th, and never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be raising a 3 year old. Have I told you lately how much joy this boy brings to me. The smiles and laughter that is in my life because of him. I guess not, because most of the time I am just dealing with all of these feelings about my daughter, Missing MOM, who truly is missing. Have not heard from her in weeks. I had a meeting out of town but managed to find daycare in that city and did not have to rely on her for help. But that is not the only reason for her to be around him..
I am always hoping that mother feeling would kick in and she would say "can't stand to be away from him" " I will do anything to get him back"... But I guess I am just dreaming, hoping that she will.
I spoke to a good friend of mine yesterday, who had been raising her granddaughters since they were 2 and 3, now 7 and 9, and the bio mom is getting it together and they are looking at a June date for reunification. I wish this so to be the case with grandson!!

Anyway, no matter what I love that little guy with all my heart!
I told him yesterday I was sad cuz he would not listen and eat his supper, and he said I am sad too cuz of my mom, and cried, it just broke my heart!

No Change yet, there is still hope

She was supposed to come this week and take care of grandson, but no show, thank goodness I had a plan B! I have to go on a trip to a near by city found childcare there, so he will just travel with me. We went home this weekend and he did not even ask for her. Which is nice for me, cuz it just breaks my heart, and I hate lying to him. I had tried to call her but the numbers I have for her don't work.
It saddens me though that she did not call to visit with him. Something happened to him on a visit with a relative and its a terrible thing, she had him at the time, because I would not be caught dead at this person's home. He told me in passing and I wanted so badly to tell what happened, but if missing mom does not want to be found she won't be.
I had to call the court for the guardianship orders, I need to get him ready for headstart next year, which I know he will do well at.
We had a good weekend, he helped me in the garden and we had fun. He kept saying I am so happy. I am glad he is a happy, I think I am pretty much adjusted also. I told her if I have him for a year I am going to seek permanent guardianship for him in December unless she starts doing something to change. It makes my heart break but I have to let go and let live. (yes AA saying) lol. Oh well another good weekend I hope the week brings good things for him at a new place. and its my 48th birthday. Never did I think I would be raising a baby at 48!

Spring Here and Are Changes Coming?

Grandson got to spend the week with his mom, while I was supposed to go on a business trip. But the death of my cousin had me flying back the next day. Of course on the last day of the funeral Missing Mom calls, has to go somewhere so she had to bring him back. I did get an opportunity to talk to her about her abandonment of her children. She did honestly state that what she wanted was her freedom to drink and that she wanted to go to treatment. But of course she has done nothing towards that end. I told her that if by December she had not done anything I was going to go for full guardianship for grandson. I told her that she had so many people in her life that cared about her and that I would always be here. I also asked her to move in until she could get it together. But I believe she is not ready to any of this. All I can do is pray for her and for god to give her some strength to do the right thing for herself and her babies.

Missing Mom Showed Up

Easter came and grandson went to go spend the weekend with his mom. He was pretty happy then and still is. He just needs to see her and be with her, and I don't know if she understands this? I took him to see his sisters, he was so happy and so were they.
Ok, I broke down and called her, asked her what she was doing, she states "Nothing", "Yeah" I said "that's the problem." "Its been 5 months and you have done nothing. " She is back with the family that drinks.... but states to me she is sober, do I believe her .....? NO
But I am so tired of this in between crap! I told her that. I am so tired of this huge wall in between us, I can hardly function some days, but I have to.
She told me "I can't do it" I said "can't or won't". I told her that she could come and live with me, and get on her feet, as long as she was sober and as long as she was doing something I would help her.
I remember in my terrible marriage how many times I ran to my mom and she was always there being supportive and helping me out. I can do the same for this daughter of my heart.
So we will see what happens this weekend when I go home, we will talk about it... and if it does not work out, I will plan my next step without her.