A Fall From The Wagon

So I went home for the weekend, and in my heart I just knew something was wrong. We get home Sunday me and grandson. I took him with me so Missing Mom could work, took the baby to her father. When I spoke to her on Saturday she mentioned that the drunk family was there. I knew from that moment things would not be good. She calls me at work on Monday, telling me that she lost her job. Right away she tried to lie about why she lost her job, but I knew she was lying and confronted her about it. Yes she just never went to work! Instead she was getting HIGH! or so she says, but I believe she was drinking.
Her first thought to leave, to go to where my other daughter is and get applications for apts and jobs. I told her again I believe she needs to go to treatment. She just does not get it. So I have to prepare to take grandson away from her again, because the deal is she is here and he is here or she is gone and he stays here. I will not let him be at risk. I don't want to hold her hostage, but I am also not putting grandson at risk.
It so sad because he is so desperate for her love and attention. All he wants is for here to pay attention to her. I will pray for her to have the wisdom to do what is right.

All is Well On the Home Front

Things are going as good as they can at the moment. Missing Mama still here and working, taking care of her babies. She seems happy, and planning looking forward to her future taking it one step at a time. She is saving her money, trying to get her car running this weekend. Taking her job seriously, never late, never calling in.
The babies are happy. Grandson had an adjustment period. It took him awhile to get into the groove. He had a few meltdowns but is doing so much better now. He is just his happy go lucky self. He is growing so much, he is 3 1/2 now and is so fun to watch him grow and listen to how his little mind works.
I am doing much better now too. Its nice to have the littlest one here, she is barely a year and is soo soo cute. She does not walk yet and does not want to walk either!!! but she is a sweety, gives kisses says hi when she sees me. After a long weekend of camping I came home and she gave me a bear hug saying grrrr and she squeezed me tight. She learned that one from watching her brother.
I am enjoying being Unci!!!

Still Here

Missing mama is still here, and GS could not more happy. She also got a job and seems to be happy herself, now if we could get her man to get a job all will be well. GS has his moments but all in all he has come around and is actually talking to me and sitting on my lap. We had a great weekend swimming in the new pool. He just keeps on having accidents in his pants don't know what that's about. I bought him a buzz lightyear doll and one morning he got up, sat on my lap and said "Unci, I love my buzz lightyear" it was so cute.
His little sister is here also she will be a year in a month, she is so cute and chunky, took her a minute to get used to me, but she follows me around every where now. All is well for now

Missing Mama is Back

Last weekend I called the girls daddy to see if he would come and help me with some projects and low and behold who is he with Missing Mama. I asked for her to talk to GS and he just cried and cried saying he wanted to see her. Then I got on the line and asked why she had not seen her son in 6 weeks. She said because I was mad at her! I told her that had nothing to do with her and her son and don't use me as the reason.
When they got there she then asked if she could still come to Pine Ridge. I told her yes, but she brought the girls dad with her. Not only that she got the youngest baby back, little Button Eyes. She is so cute, 10 months old now and has not been with her mother since she was 4 months old.
GS very angry at me.... and very emotional. I only hope this works, but of course she has not went to treatment. We will see. I am not about to give up the guardianship until she has shown her changed self. I will not put him at risk again.
So we are all holed up in my little apartment. I cleaned out my spare room for them, and re arranged my life again. We shall see, with lots of prayers it works out ok.

Another Week and Some Heartache

Just put the sad grandson to bed. He has been peeing in his pants all week. Tonight he was so quiet in the bedroom I thought he was asleep. I put him in the bathtub and went into the room to get his PJs together and there on the floor right in front of where he was sitting was a picture of him and his mom. Just broke my heart and apparently his too. After bath he came to me and looked so sad asking me to read him his book. I asked him if he was said and he nodded yes. I sat him in my lap and asked him if he missed his mom and he started to cry. I just held him and let him cry, telling him that his mama did love him and I was sorry she had not seen him in a while. I told him she was having a hard time and that's why she was gone. But I kept reassuring him she did love him.
My poor little guy : ( so sad that he has to go through this, so sad that she is drinking and caught up in the power of the bottle. I know only to well what this was about, I too have had my battles with alcohol and it about destroyed me. It was so long ago.... that I sometimes forget the grip it can have on your life.
I wish I could help her, save her but I know that I can't. She will live with the memory of not being their for her children for the rest of her life. They will also have to live with this for the rest of their lives.
I have had this boy for 7 months now. She has not seen him since April 16th when she dropped him off as he screamed and cried for her. She called my son last week, drunk he said. I asked if she was crying around but he said no she sounded pretty happy. When he asked her why she had not seen grandson she said it was because I was mad at her. Well she can use all the excuses she wants, she just does not want or can stop her self destructive behavior.
The only thing that saves me is him, having to care for him and love him and knowing above all he safe.

Weeks Have Passed

Weeks have passed and not a word from Missing Mama, she has not seen him since April 16th, and at first I tried calling no answer to the numbers I had for her. I just decided to stop, because if she wants to see him she will come around. Grandson has not said much about her. The other night he was sitting in his little spider man chair, talking on the plastic cell phone telling about his new "cool rock" he had gotten from a co worker of mine. He said "What you doing mom?" telling her it was "cool." About a week ago we had went out to supper and he would not eat his soup, I turned to him and said that makes me sad, he then.. with tears in his eyes "My mom makes me sad" he then became so upset, crying and could not be consoled.
Life can be so hard, but most days he is a dear. He is a three year old boy and acts like one!! Running, laughing, playing with his beloved cars. He has his gentle moments too, where he just comes up to me and kisses me on the cheek, saying "I love you Unci." I am better now, not so upset maybe getting used to idea, and just having to move on for both of us. I can't let her ruin my life or his. So move on Unci, move on!!

48 and still going!

Yesterday was my 48th, and never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be raising a 3 year old. Have I told you lately how much joy this boy brings to me. The smiles and laughter that is in my life because of him. I guess not, because most of the time I am just dealing with all of these feelings about my daughter, Missing MOM, who truly is missing. Have not heard from her in weeks. I had a meeting out of town but managed to find daycare in that city and did not have to rely on her for help. But that is not the only reason for her to be around him..
I am always hoping that mother feeling would kick in and she would say "can't stand to be away from him" " I will do anything to get him back"... But I guess I am just dreaming, hoping that she will.
I spoke to a good friend of mine yesterday, who had been raising her granddaughters since they were 2 and 3, now 7 and 9, and the bio mom is getting it together and they are looking at a June date for reunification. I wish this so to be the case with grandson!!

Anyway, no matter what I love that little guy with all my heart!
I told him yesterday I was sad cuz he would not listen and eat his supper, and he said I am sad too cuz of my mom, and cried, it just broke my heart!

No Change yet, there is still hope

She was supposed to come this week and take care of grandson, but no show, thank goodness I had a plan B! I have to go on a trip to a near by city found childcare there, so he will just travel with me. We went home this weekend and he did not even ask for her. Which is nice for me, cuz it just breaks my heart, and I hate lying to him. I had tried to call her but the numbers I have for her don't work.
It saddens me though that she did not call to visit with him. Something happened to him on a visit with a relative and its a terrible thing, she had him at the time, because I would not be caught dead at this person's home. He told me in passing and I wanted so badly to tell what happened, but if missing mom does not want to be found she won't be.
I had to call the court for the guardianship orders, I need to get him ready for headstart next year, which I know he will do well at.
We had a good weekend, he helped me in the garden and we had fun. He kept saying I am so happy. I am glad he is a happy, I think I am pretty much adjusted also. I told her if I have him for a year I am going to seek permanent guardianship for him in December unless she starts doing something to change. It makes my heart break but I have to let go and let live. (yes AA saying) lol. Oh well another good weekend I hope the week brings good things for him at a new place. and its my 48th birthday. Never did I think I would be raising a baby at 48!

Spring Here and Are Changes Coming?

Grandson got to spend the week with his mom, while I was supposed to go on a business trip. But the death of my cousin had me flying back the next day. Of course on the last day of the funeral Missing Mom calls, has to go somewhere so she had to bring him back. I did get an opportunity to talk to her about her abandonment of her children. She did honestly state that what she wanted was her freedom to drink and that she wanted to go to treatment. But of course she has done nothing towards that end. I told her that if by December she had not done anything I was going to go for full guardianship for grandson. I told her that she had so many people in her life that cared about her and that I would always be here. I also asked her to move in until she could get it together. But I believe she is not ready to any of this. All I can do is pray for her and for god to give her some strength to do the right thing for herself and her babies.

Missing Mom Showed Up

Easter came and grandson went to go spend the weekend with his mom. He was pretty happy then and still is. He just needs to see her and be with her, and I don't know if she understands this? I took him to see his sisters, he was so happy and so were they.
Ok, I broke down and called her, asked her what she was doing, she states "Nothing", "Yeah" I said "that's the problem." "Its been 5 months and you have done nothing. " She is back with the family that drinks.... but states to me she is sober, do I believe her .....? NO
But I am so tired of this in between crap! I told her that. I am so tired of this huge wall in between us, I can hardly function some days, but I have to.
She told me "I can't do it" I said "can't or won't". I told her that she could come and live with me, and get on her feet, as long as she was sober and as long as she was doing something I would help her.
I remember in my terrible marriage how many times I ran to my mom and she was always there being supportive and helping me out. I can do the same for this daughter of my heart.
So we will see what happens this weekend when I go home, we will talk about it... and if it does not work out, I will plan my next step without her.

New Bed, Different Life

I am off to purchase a bed for this little guy. I have been resisting it because it makes it all so permanent. But I don't believe missing mom is going to change anytime soon. As I sat there thinking about this this morning she is so much like her father. The difference this time around is I was smart enough to go get a guardianship order.
He was forever in and out of her life. Yesterday I met a friend of her former foster parents after the issues with her biological sister and her molester boyfriend. She was long time friends with them. She stayed with her foster parents for about 3 years. Missing mom's father did what the court instructed and when she was about 14 years old she went back to him. She stayed with him awhile. At this time I had moved out of state to try and get my graduate degree. We had come home at Christmas time and she was on the run from him. He told me he had left her again with friends and I convinced him to let her come with me out of state. That lasted for maybe six months, once I stared pressuring him for custody, he made me bring her back. Of course he did not keep her. She started living with this man and his children. She stayed there for about two years, never went to school, started drinking and doing whatever she wanted. This man felt he could not tell her anything. I moved back into the state, and she came to live with me again while I was attending graduate school. She was 17 by now, she never went to school, so she has maybe an 8th grade education. She started studying for her GED and got a job. She stayed until she and my other daughter decided to get drunk and fought. She never did admit her part in that tragedy, my other daughter went to treatment two days after this happened.
The she told me about 6 months later she was pregnant with grandson. She did not want to live with me anymore after what happened, and of course she was pregnant with Man's son's child. Grandson's dad never did claim him. The Man did, and even took care of him when he was just a month old, because missing mom was too busy drinking to take care of her baby boy.

Heart Break Saturday

This weekend was so sad for my grandson. On Friday he tried to call her "unci I want to talk to my mom", so we call, but its Friday night and of course she did not pick up. She recently got her car running, so of course she is on the run. Saturday comes around, he again asks to call her. But the machine picks up, only to say she is not picking up the phone. The first time he heard this he was freaked out. I had to explain that the machine was not to be afraid of. He talked about it for along time, going over and over about the machine. It was funny. What wasn't funny was that she did not answer.
She showed up in the afternoon, and he was a wreck! Crying, begging her to pick him up and there she stands texting away ignoring his pleas....... it was so heartbreaking. He was like that most of the day, nap time was a nightmare, I had to go in there and calm him down so he would sleep. He kept crying and crying for his mom.
After the nap, his sadness goes on, his crying goes on, his whining and begging her goes on. I tried to talk to him and calm him down. Finally I took him kicking and screaming into the room, and told him he could not come out until he stopped crying.
Guess what it worked! No more crying or whining for the rest of day.
That night the other baby's daddy brings joy in his arms, little sister has come to visit. Grandson had been asking about her and wanting to see her. There she was in all her glory... all 19 months and size 3 of her. Big Beautiful Girl. She remembered all of us, her mom had not seen her in a few months. No tears at the sight of her beautiful girl. I don't understand her at all!
Grandson had a good visit with her and so did I, we played with toys together, while missing mama sat there texting away.
But what really blew me way was when she mentioned that she had tickets to a local fight and did I know what time its starts. I looked at her and said "So what a choose.. huum your kids or a fight?" I was so blown over.
I believe she will never over come her selfishness her self absorbed behavior, and three babies are out there that will have to deal with it. Me too, my heart breaks : (

Another Weekend With Missing Mom

I had so much to do this weekend and I felt so sick since weds, so I called missing mom and told her that we were on our way to town. She said she would meet us, then I get a text that the car had overheated (in the middle of winter) and that she would call the next day. I knew, first of the month, she is hanging with the Family That Drinks, so it was not a stretch that she would rather drink then have her child. Sure enough, next day she calls she is right around the corner, with her baby's daddy's step mama, from the Family That Drinks, I know what she was doing. But poor baby had cried for her twice this week in his sleep, knew he needed to see his mama. Breaks my heart to hear that. When she was not around Friday night he was begging me to see her. What can I tell this poor little 3 year old? How can I tell him his mom would rather drink than to be there with him? I don't say a word, but maybe tomorrow and he say Unci please.... breaks my heart.
My own son called Friday and said "Guess what?" I did not want to guess with his past and present, but he dropped the bomb, he had gotten married!! To a girl I have never met, and she has 3 small children. I did not even know her last name!! My kids I don't know and right now don't want to know!

She What? Wants to take a vacation?

Missing Mama thinks she needs a vacation! How can that be? Vacation from sleeping in each day? or maybe she needs a break from living from one place to the next, not really knowing where she is going to lay her head each night. Its sure not a vacation from having 3 children she is not taking care of! I almost can't stand the sight of her, I almost can forget how much I do love her. She is slowing taking this all away from me, by allowing her 2 girls wallow in poverty when she has a perfectly nice apartment to take the too. But no that's just a little too much to ask for, because then she would be alone and lord knows she could not suffer a little discomfort for the sake of her children. I will never understand, nor do I have to. Little guy suffers, I see it in his face. Before the last visit he told me I don't want to see my mom, and then told his babysitter he wanted to beat his mother up! Three years on this earth and such pain no child deserves this! Me, I can handle it, but there are times when I think, I don't want to raise another child. I want some peace and quiet. I want to not have to worry about his mess, or keeping a schedule or finding someone to watch him when I need to work extra or travel for my job! I do it because I love him, and God has placed him in my hands for now and maybe for longer so I will love and nurture him the best that I know how, its all I can do.
I see no future for myself besides working, making money, so grateful for my job, and my family. Enjoying the peace of my other two children doing well for once. Thankful for my other close relatives and friend who lend me strength when I need it. Most of all God thank you for giving me my heart and my lovely grandchildren.

Ugly Head Part II

When her father felt a twinge of guilt he would come and take her. I would then have to look for her because it never failed that he would leave her somewhere within a few days of taking her. This went on for months and months. I finally got a little smarter and went to child protective services. I reported him for neglect. The court gave physical custody of her to me even though I was not a blood relative.
Once when when she was about 11 years old, her and I were driving down the road, and she said "I have to ask you something from my heart" and I told her should could ask me anything.. she said "Can I call you Mom?" I cried and told her that I could never replace her mother, but I would love her as if she were my own, and that when she grew up and had her own children I would be their grandma! She was such a scared little girl, but oh was she stubborn! She would pout to get her way and even at this age could not sleep by herself. We had our battles, she refused to do anything for herself so I taught her how to make an egg, warm up soup for herself. She was always so sad. She was only in the 4 grade and already hated school. When her mother was dying she never went to school. So we fought constantly about her going to school. We were also always afraid that her dad would come and take her. We always had a plan, a way for her to contact me if something happened.
Life went on for awhile like that, she would see her brothers and sister every now and then. My daughter "Bright light" would even babysit for her older sister every now and then.
But the worst thing ever happened. One night Bright Light and Missing Momma were babysitting for Missing Momma's sister and her boyfriend tried to molest Bright Light. It was horrible, cops, fighting with Missing Momma's sister, therapists and counseling. We did ok, but Dept of Social Services was still allowing Missing Momma to go to her sister's home. It all was brought to a head when Missing Momma's molesting boyfriend brought her home after a visit. My other daughter was so upset, my son although still young wanted to beat him up. I had to do something. It was causing so much drama in my home. Every time she went to her sister's it would bring up ugly feelings. But I could do nothing, I could not take her real family away with the little time she spent with them, but then I was also putting my other daughter's emotional health at risk.
So something had to give, I called Missing Momma's great aunt (she had no grandmothers, they all had passed away) and asked her what I should do. She suggested a couple who were good friends of hers could take her. The DSS agreed and I too now had abandoned this lost child.

Poor Little Guy

She came to visit only because I told her too. I called her I was so angry, she spends a week with him and then disappears! Does not call or anything! But I knew she was drinking, I asked her and she confirmed, only on the weekend, well what about the following week? Why do I have to tell her to call her son? How sad is that, how can you walk away and not think another thing about your children. It breaks my heart and his! He was so upset that weekend all he did was cry and fuss and he is not normally like that. It took him to the middle part of the week before he was back to his normal cheerful self.
He was crying in his sleep, is he thinking of his mother leaving him? Is he dreaming about the awful places she left him while she went out and drank? How can his little mind wrap around all of this. I know I am having a hard time, trying to repress my anger at her, being depressed that I have to take care of a 3 year old, after I have raised my own. I love him with all my heart, but this is not what I wanted. Most of all its not what he wants either, he wants his mama, but I can't give that to him!
I try to be patient with him, but I know I fail in that area too, cuz I can't handle his screaming which he learned from being around her. She is a young mom, and would just let him scream and yell at her. Well its a different story with this unci, cuz I will not tolerate that so I put him on time out when he goes there!
She came on Saturday, and he was getting tired cuz he did not get his nap, I don't even remember what started him off, but he threw a major fit, me I put him on time out and he was kicking and screaming, which is not his normal behavior. I put him in the room let him scream for awhile. I went in there and sat with him and explained that he could sit in here and scream or he could stop and go spend time with his mom. He stopped said "ok unci" and was alright. She stayed about 2 hours and off she went.
Before she left I told her that yes I was angry because she has not done one thing to try to get it together and let her know I love her, and I would do all I could to support her, but she is the one who has to get it all done. I told her if I did not care I would not saying anything at all and let her go her way. She said its just a tough time for her.
Well don't we all have tough times? But do you leave your children all over and not even try to see them. She has not seen her girls in weeks! How could she? any answers anyone?

The Past Rears Its Ugly Head

She came into my life at 10 years old, scared, lonely, dying for attention. She had lost her mother 12 months before to cancer. She had older siblings, who did not have the skill or where-with-all to take care of her. I babysat her a few times, her father was/is an alcoholic. They lived in a very small trailer on the rez and there were reports from the neighbors that she would go to their homes to get something to eat.
Her father asked me to care for her because he was going out of state to work, at first I refused, but she loved us right from the start and was my constant tail. I agreed, he gave me temporary custody of her. I enrolled her in school, which she hated. I think through her mother's illness she never really attended, her skills being low, reading was hard. She would do nothing for herself without a fight with me.
She was a junk food junkie, always only wanting to eat chips and drink pop. She had constant nightmares and even at 10 would not sleep by herself. I read somewhere that it was the caffeine that would give her nightmares, so when I put my foot down and said no pop, she was so angry. She never said a word about it, but you could see it in her face, she was angry!!
She often was angry and would pout if she felt she was slighted in any manner. She never cried except when I had to tell her that her maternal grandmother had passed away from a diabetic coma.
Skinny, unsure of herself, always needing my full attention. She had this thing for socks. They had to go to her knees and she constantly adjusted them, making sure they were straight. She could not stand it if they got stretched out. As I am remembering as a young child she never was really happy. I think she was glad to be with us, but I think she always felt as an outsider. My own youngest daughter was only 4 years older, but a young teenager, so there was a huge distance between those two.
My house was always full of other kids so there was never a quiet moment. I was busy teaching at a local school. I was single just trying to get by and raise my kids. My oldest, my son, was a handful always challenging authority, just starting experimenting with alcohol and drugs (which ends up plaguing his life). And for awhile this was how our life floated along.

First Posting

Hello blog world!! I started this blog because I really need: a kind ear to listen, a way to express myself, an opportunity to connect with others in my position, a way to to vent! So away we go. I am a single mom of three grown children, yes in ways they still are children, 1 boy and 2 girls and now I have found myself in the position of having to raise a small grandson. I love him so much but I am a reluctant g-ma/mother. I have not had a small child to raise in over 20 years, and people I am in pickle. Actually its a bit more than that, poor little guy has a Mom who is absent, who seems like she could not care less about her poor babies!
What is a grandmother to do? I try my best, but it is so so hard.
I don't want you to get the wrong picture I do not usually whine about my life, in fact I am so lucky, great family (for the most part) great job, no money worries, but having to raise a young child is having its toll on me.
So here I am, hoping all the great people out there will lend me an ear, kick me in the butt when I need it, and most of all share with me their wonderful insights.